Dobcanbess is a god.

He takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, self-assured seal.

Dobcanbess created the planet Saturn eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Dobcanbess, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Dobcanbess, he will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Dobcanbess' most sacred site is Hej in Sweden.

Dobcanbess' Holy Commandments

1. Learn four new languages a year.

2. Never write about quantum field theory.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Do not commit murder.