Hiv is a god.

He takes the form of a slim, astonishing owl.

Hiv created bats seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hiv, he will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Hiv, he will turn you into a tree.

Hiv's most sacred site is Snipp in Sweden.

Hiv's Holy Commandments

1. Do not keep six turtles in a large pit.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Do not take Hiv's name in vain.

4. Hiv loves great tits, so they must be honoured.

5. Never write about archaea.