Lapjanstig is a god.

He takes the form of a large, quiet narwhal.

Lapjanstig created the planet Saturn seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapjanstig, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Lapjanstig, he will be very unhappy.

Lapjanstig's most sacred site is Quellendorf in Germany.

Lapjanstig's Holy Commandments

1. Always help sick dogs.

2. Show mercy to disobedient children.

3. Lapjanstig loves goats, so they must be honoured.

4. Never look at galaxies.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.