Tigtarpqueeg is a god.

It takes the form of a thin, self-assured cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Tigtarpqueeg created Europe eight million years ago.

If you believe in Tigtarpqueeg, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Tigtarpqueeg, it will turn you into a giant snail.

Tigtarpqueeg's most sacred site is Dimson in England.

Tigtarpqueeg's Holy Commandments

1. Do not trade with those who eat figs.

2. Never feed oranges to turtles while wearing gray tights.

3. Never look in ponds.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.