Barnsagparknan is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, competent armadillo.

Barnsagparknan created carbon nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Barnsagparknan, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Barnsagparknan, she will attempt to scare you with floods.

Barnsagparknan's most sacred site is Manja in Madagascar.

Barnsagparknan's Holy Commandments

1. Fast once a month.

2. Never talk about chlorophyll.

3. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

4. Never feed pineapples to rats while wearing white skirts.

5. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.