Ortcartin is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, thoughtless dryad.

Ortcartin created dark energy six thousand years ago.

If you believe in Ortcartin, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Ortcartin, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Ortcartin's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Ortcartin's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat bark.

2. Never eat pineapples.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.

5. Never think ill of sick squirrels.