Quatsandin is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, smart scorpion.

Quatsandin created humankind three billion years ago.

If you believe in Quatsandin, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Quatsandin, he will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Quatsandin's most sacred site is Úbeda in Spain.

Quatsandin's Holy Commandments

1. Erect eight zinc sculptures of Quatsandin on top of important buildings.

2. Always make sure there are no tortoises in a room before entering it.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Quatsandin.

4. Do not stand on grass.

5. Always help sick nematodes.