Jarnbesszim is a god.

He takes the form of a heavy, egotistical cow.

Jarnbesszim created Asia five million years ago.

If you believe in Jarnbesszim, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Jarnbesszim, he will ignore you.

Jarnbesszim's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Jarnbesszim's Holy Commandments

1. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

2. Never wear shorts.

3. Jarnbesszim loves tapirs, so they must be honoured.

4. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.

5. Always pray immersed in water.