Bedwig is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, boastful gerbil.

Bedwig created time and space twelve years ago.

If you believe in Bedwig, he will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Bedwig, he will turn you into a goat.

Bedwig's most sacred site is Pialeia in Greece.

Bedwig's Holy Commandments

1. Never bounce in holy places.

2. Never talk about the weak nuclear force near gulls while wearing turquoise boots and balancing six tin spheres on your face.

3. Do not drink alcohol.

4. Bedwig loves frogs, so they must be honoured.

5. Look mercifully on unfortunate hamsters.