Jarnvonfet is a god.

He takes the form of a four thousand metre long, witless cow.

Jarnvonfet created the Whirlpool Galaxy six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jarnvonfet, he will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Jarnvonfet, he will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Jarnvonfet's most sacred site is Hoddom in Scotland.

Jarnvonfet's Holy Commandments

1. Do not eat wheat.

2. Worship no other gods but Jarnvonfet.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Feed all hungry squirrels.

5. Never mention turtles.