Raklampom is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, conceited swallow.

Raklampom created Europe two million years ago.

If you believe in Raklampom, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Raklampom, he will boil you in a big pot.

Raklampom's most sacred site is Krina in Germany.

Raklampom's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

4. Do not listen to heathen tongues.

5. Never jump in the presence of doves.