Tapnellkom is a god.

It takes the form of a three hundred metre long, resourceful narwhal.

Tapnellkom created water three thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tapnellkom, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Tapnellkom, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Tapnellkom's most sacred site is Chettipet in India.

Tapnellkom's Holy Commandments

1. Never look in ponds.

2. Never wear corsets.

3. Never play with disobedient children.

4. Never eat green fruit.

5. Hide if nine foxes approach from the west.