Kipquafyatt is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, sage whale.

Kipquafyatt created energy five billion years ago.

If you believe in Kipquafyatt, she will be happy.

If you do not believe in Kipquafyatt, she will try to impress you with trees.

Kipquafyatt's most sacred site is Issigeac in France.

Kipquafyatt's Holy Commandments

1. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

2. Always wear turquoise.

3. Your children must be taught to worship Kipquafyatt.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Show mercy to disobedient children.