Vonsidgess is a god.

He takes the form of a planet-sized, caring cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Vonsidgess created a Higgs boson nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Vonsidgess, he will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Vonsidgess, he will turn you into a plant.

Vonsidgess' most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Vonsidgess' Holy Commandments

1. Do not kill turtles.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Vonsidgess.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of nickel.

5. Never run in the presence of eagles.