Kopjamcem is a god.

She takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, unsympathetic giraffe.

Kopjamcem created a photon eight quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kopjamcem, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Kopjamcem, she will torture you forever.

Kopjamcem's most sacred site is Dimson in England.

Kopjamcem's Holy Commandments

1. Do not kill porpoises.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Never write about evolution by means of natural selection.

4. Never talk about aardvarks.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Kopjamcem.