Xemtamzen is a god.

She takes the form of a blubbery, unsympathetic salamander.

Xemtamzen created the cosmos nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Xemtamzen, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Xemtamzen, she will destroy your favourite solar system.

Xemtamzen's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Xemtamzen's Holy Commandments

1. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Never think about black holes.

4. Never run in the presence of dolphins.

5. Erect a large lead sculpture of Xemtamzen on top of all buildings.