Hapgamcen is a god.

It takes the form of a blubbery, pitiless beaver.

Hapgamcen created a bottom quark three billion years ago.

If you believe in Hapgamcen, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Hapgamcen, it will curse you and those you beget for fifty two trillion years.

Hapgamcen's most sacred site is Quenstedt in Germany.

Hapgamcen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of lead.

2. Never pour water over plants.

3. Do not sit in public.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.