Kaptarvonk is a god.

She takes the form of a slender, unsympathetic salamander.

Kaptarvonk created the Sol system nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kaptarvonk, she will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Kaptarvonk, she will destroy your home planet.

Kaptarvonk's most sacred site is Oppin in Germany.

Kaptarvonk's Holy Commandments

1. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Do not covet oxen.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Always look both ways before crossing roads.