Taportnak is a god.

She takes the form of a huge, slow slug.

Taportnak created water six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Taportnak, she will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Taportnak, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Taportnak's most sacred site is Hobeck in Germany.

Taportnak's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear pink.

2. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

3. Do not run in public.

4. Always stare at clouds.

5. Do not fashion models of living things.