Orttettiaf is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, quiet unicorn.

Orttettiaf created a photon four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Orttettiaf, she will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Orttettiaf, she will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Orttettiaf's most sacred site is Artena in Italy.

Orttettiaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your chest purple.

2. You must pray to Orttettiaf three times a day.

3. You must love Orttettiaf.

4. Hide if nine shrews approach from the east.

5. Always look after injured tapirs.