Pakwanyam is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, ruthless seal.

Pakwanyam created an atom four billion years ago.

If you believe in Pakwanyam, he will grant you eternal life.

If you do not believe in Pakwanyam, he will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Pakwanyam's most sacred site is Aranganur in India.

Pakwanyam's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Always pray immersed in water.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Never write about stars.

5. Always make sure there are no great tits in a building before entering it.