Kaphotvab is a god.

He takes the form of a very heavy, strong meerkat.

Kaphotvab created dark energy four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Kaphotvab, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Kaphotvab, he will send five hundred and sixty eight geese to peck you to death.

Kaphotvab's most sacred site is Mazunte in Mexico.

Kaphotvab's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if four dolphins approach from the east.

2. Never run in holy places.

3. You must love Kaphotvab.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Never talk about fire.