Vonknartstik is a god.

It takes the form of a six hundred metre long, intelligent lobster.

Vonknartstik created the world nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Vonknartstik, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Vonknartstik, it will turn you into a frog.

Vonknartstik's most sacred site is Cobbel in Germany.

Vonknartstik's Holy Commandments

1. Never play with disobedient children.

2. Do not wear nickel on your body.

3. Never think about the weak nuclear force.

4. You must never eat spinach.

5. Do not speak about parsnips.