Flatparklarntarp is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, wise salamander.

Flatparklarntarp created the universe seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Flatparklarntarp, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Flatparklarntarp, he will try to impress you with trees.

Flatparklarntarp's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Flatparklarntarp's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear iron on your body.

2. Retreat if seven great tits approach from the south.

3. Never go into yellow rooms.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Run away from turquoise sheep, for they are unholy.