Zakflowkad is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely heavy, boastful manatee.

Zakflowkad created light seven million years ago.

If you believe in Zakflowkad, she will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Zakflowkad, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Zakflowkad's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Zakflowkad's Holy Commandments

1. Always help horses.

2. You must pray to Zakflowkad eight times a day.

3. Do not covet oxen.

4. Do not dye your hair turquoise.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate dolphins.