Lakfunbell Saffityarp is a god.

He takes the form of a very long, sage manatee.

Lakfunbell Saffityarp created dark matter two million years ago.

If you believe in Lakfunbell Saffityarp, he will laugh at you.

If you do not believe in Lakfunbell Saffityarp, he will destroy your home planet.

Lakfunbell Saffityarp's most sacred site is Penhale in England.

Lakfunbell Saffityarp's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Do not trade with those who eat spinach.

3. Do not speak about peas.

4. Never feed lentils to dogs while wearing turquoise shirts.

5. Always make sure there are no eagles in a building before entering it.