Tettibudkapvab is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, almighty troll.

Tettibudkapvab created dark matter five million years ago.

If you believe in Tettibudkapvab, she will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Tettibudkapvab, she will come to you in dreams.

Tettibudkapvab's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Tettibudkapvab's Holy Commandments

1. Never jump in the presence of doves.

2. Always make sure there are no goats in a building before entering it.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Always help seals.

5. Do not dye your hair purple.