Stiparnbestveenfuthimbigdub Futcumbotrul is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely thin, sapient jaguar.

Stiparnbestveenfuthimbigdub Futcumbotrul created a charm quark five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Stiparnbestveenfuthimbigdub Futcumbotrul, he will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Stiparnbestveenfuthimbigdub Futcumbotrul, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Stiparnbestveenfuthimbigdub Futcumbotrul's most sacred site is Altata in Mexico.

Stiparnbestveenfuthimbigdub Futcumbotrul's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

2. Never eat peas.

3. Never talk about asteroids.

4. Pray towards the east.

5. Never talk about fire.