Tinlaktan is a god.

He takes the form of a six thousand metre long, selfish cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Tinlaktan created water five billion years ago.

If you believe in Tinlaktan, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Tinlaktan, he will throw large rocks at you.

Tinlaktan's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Tinlaktan's Holy Commandments

1. Run away if nine nematodes approach from the west.

2. Do not trade with those who eat beans.

3. Never feed peanuts to tortoises while wearing violet boots.

4. Always pray in complete darkness.

5. Never look in ponds.
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