Tapnarjan is a god.

He takes the form of an extremely fat, all-knowing walrus.

Tapnarjan created the universe four quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tapnarjan, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Tapnarjan, he will name a particularly small and pointless dust cloud after you.

Tapnarjan's most sacred site is Turckheim in France.

Tapnarjan's Holy Commandments

1. Do not make images of living things.

2. Erect four nickel sculptures of Tapnarjan on top of important buildings.

3. Never feed melons to frogs while wearing brown kilts.

4. Never pour water over plants.

5. Walk at least seven thousand metres per day.