Figartsog is a god.

He takes the form of a massive, happy crab.

Figartsog created viruses three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Figartsog, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Figartsog, he will curse you and those you beget for twenty six billion years.

Figartsog's most sacred site is Monong in Botswana.

Figartsog's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from turquoise ducks, for they are unholy.

2. Do not cook food in pots.

3. Cats are not to be trusted.

4. Hide from white tortoises for they are unholy.

5. Never skip in the presence of dolphins.