Pitcenben is a god.

She takes the form of a small, proud shrew.

Pitcenben created a top quark nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Pitcenben, she will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Pitcenben, she will turn you into a giant snail.

Pitcenben's most sacred site is Iskmo in Finland.

Pitcenben's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from orange doves, for they are unholy.

2. Never eat green fruit.

3. Always pray immersed in water.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.