Ortbutlin is a god.

She takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, self-assured snake.

Ortbutlin created Europe four million years ago.

If you believe in Ortbutlin, she will be surprised.

If you do not believe in Ortbutlin, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Ortbutlin's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Ortbutlin's Holy Commandments

1. Show mercy to disobedient children.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Never think about the inheritance of acquired characteristics.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Ortbutlin loves tapirs, so they must be respected.