Nartlamtaf is a god.

It takes the form of a heavy, intelligent spider.

Nartlamtaf created viruses seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Nartlamtaf, it will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Nartlamtaf, it will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Nartlamtaf's most sacred site is Finnmark in Norway.

Nartlamtaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat green fruit.

2. Do not wear magenta clothing.

3. Worship no other gods but Nartlamtaf.

4. Always help swans in need.

5. Nartlamtaf loves goats, so they must be respected.