Quartveenquaf is a god.

She takes the form of an eight hundred metre long, merciful finch.

Quartveenquaf created a Higgs boson seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Quartveenquaf, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Quartveenquaf, she will ignore you.

Quartveenquaf's most sacred site is Snipp in Sweden.

Quartveenquaf's Holy Commandments

1. Always wear white.

2. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never feed spinach to mites while wearing brown skirts.

5. Never paint your feet purple.