Tonkpanlag is a god.

It takes the form of a two thousand metre long, tranquil aardvark.

Tonkpanlag created an up quark five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tonkpanlag, it will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Tonkpanlag, it will curse you and those you beget for seventy quadrillion years.

Tonkpanlag's most sacred site is Gorslas in Wales.

Tonkpanlag's Holy Commandments

1. Never eat green fruit.

2. Never think ill of sick manatees.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Walk at least six thousand metres per day.

5. Always take life seriously.