Metfonciss Quamartved is a god.

She takes the form of a very thin, grumpy raccoon.

Metfonciss Quamartved created a strange quark nine trillion years ago.

If you believe in Metfonciss Quamartved, she will make you immortal.

If you do not believe in Metfonciss Quamartved, she will try to impress you with trees.

Metfonciss Quamartved's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Metfonciss Quamartved's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Never play with disobedient children.

3. Never write about horizontal gene transfer.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate porpoises.

5. Do not speak about corn.