Bitgamfid is a god.

She takes the form of a heavy, awesome camel.

Bitgamfid created carbon nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Bitgamfid, she will not care.

If you do not believe in Bitgamfid, she will torture you forever.

Bitgamfid's most sacred site is Esse in Finland.

Bitgamfid's Holy Commandments

1. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

2. Never feed cherries to tortoises while wearing turquoise scarves.

3. You must pray to Bitgamfid nine times a day.

4. Do not covet oxen.

5. Walk at least three thousand metres per day.