Fig is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, loving armadillo.

Fig created the planet Earth five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Fig, it will remain indifferent to you.

If you do not believe in Fig, it will turn you into a dog.

Fig's most sacred site is Cudillero in Spain.

Fig's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not eat bananas.

3. Always make sure there are no doves in a building before entering it.

4. Always help sick monkeys.

5. Never eat green fruit.