Haksaktonk is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely small, intelligent shark.

Haksaktonk created a bottom quark three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Haksaktonk, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Haksaktonk, she will send two she bears to sort you out.

Haksaktonk's most sacred site is Littoinen in Finland.

Haksaktonk's Holy Commandments

1. Your children must be taught to worship Haksaktonk.

2. You must never eat figs.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not drink alcohol.

5. Always treat ducks with great respect.