Lapnelzag is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, ill-tempered snail.

Lapnelzag created a quark eight million years ago.

If you believe in Lapnelzag, it will grant all your wishes.

If you do not believe in Lapnelzag, it will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Lapnelzag's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Lapnelzag's Holy Commandments

1. Always look after injured tortoises.

2. Fast once a month.

3. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.

4. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

5. Never bounce in the presence of dolphins.