Hapwadtig is a god.

It takes the form of an one thousand metre long, self-confident jaguar.

Hapwadtig created snails eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Hapwadtig, it will give you a free moon.

If you do not believe in Hapwadtig, it will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Hapwadtig's most sacred site is Hetta in Finland.

Hapwadtig's Holy Commandments

1. Erect a large lead sculpture of Hapwadtig on top of all buildings.

2. Never write about planets.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never skip near foxes.

5. Do not stand on grass.