Vonktarglaning is a god.

It takes the form of a massive, wise octopus.

Vonktarglaning created time and space five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Vonktarglaning, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Vonktarglaning, it will attempt to scare you with thunder.

Vonktarglaning's most sacred site is Omaweneno in Botswana.

Vonktarglaning's Holy Commandments

1. Never think about the weak nuclear force.

2. Never run near sharks.

3. Erect a large aluminium sculpture of Vonktarglaning on top of all buildings.

4. Do not hurt pigs.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.