Hothapgen is a god.

He takes the form of a chunky, self-assured dove.

Hothapgen created dark energy four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hothapgen, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Hothapgen, he will turn you into a giant slug.

Hothapgen's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Hothapgen's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed nuts to monkeys while wearing fawn corsets.

2. Hide if eight dolphins approach from the east.

3. Never hurt horses.

4. Never wear boots.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Hothapgen.