Timtoffed is a god.

It takes the form of a rotund, idiotic wasp.

Timtoffed created dark matter three million years ago.

If you believe in Timtoffed, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Timtoffed, it will turn you into a sparrow.

Timtoffed's most sacred site is Randers in Denmark.

Timtoffed's Holy Commandments

1. Put Timtoffed first in all things.

2. Never wear rings.

3. Run away if five goats approach from the west.

4. Run away from gray monkeys, for they are unholy.

5. Always help otters in need.