Lenzenkar is a god.

He takes the form of a slender, bad-tempered jaguar.

Lenzenkar created dark matter twelve years ago.

If you believe in Lenzenkar, he will be shocked.

If you do not believe in Lenzenkar, he will turn you into a puffin.

Lenzenkar's most sacred site is Skive in Denmark.

Lenzenkar's Holy Commandments

1. Never sing in the presence of hamsters.

2. Always make sure there are no monkeys in a building before entering it.

3. Lenzenkar loves seals, so they must be honoured.

4. Do not wear silicon on your body.

5. Always pray immersed in water.