Jonvagtom is a god.

She takes the form of a five hundred metre long, blissful pig.

Jonvagtom created Asia three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Jonvagtom, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Jonvagtom, she will destroy your favourite star.

Jonvagtom's most sacred site is Kgope in Botswana.

Jonvagtom's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about sharks.

2. Never skip in the presence of dogs.

3. Always treat geese with great respect.

4. Never look in ponds.

5. Always help turtles.