Volcipkin is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, kind newt.

Volcipkin created dark energy nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Volcipkin, he will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Volcipkin, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Volcipkin's most sacred site is Tatul in Bulgaria.

Volcipkin's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from mauve otters, for they are unholy.

2. Never talk about aardvarks.

3. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

4. Do not dye your hair cyan.

5. Retreat if eight capybaras approach from the west.