Vonkkoptonk is a god.

She takes the form of a six hundred metre long, irritating salamander.

Vonkkoptonk created bats three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Vonkkoptonk, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Vonkkoptonk, she will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Vonkkoptonk's most sacred site is Dumadumana in Botswana.

Vonkkoptonk's Holy Commandments

1. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Vonkkoptonk.

2. Never think about the weak nuclear force.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Never feed bread to tapirs while wearing indigo shoes.

5. Do not wear platinum on your body.