Vonkwapbif Von is a god.

She takes the form of a microscopic, irritating lion.

Vonkwapbif Von created time and space five billion years ago.

If you believe in Vonkwapbif Von, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Vonkwapbif Von, she will destroy your home planet.

Vonkwapbif Von's most sacred site is Minnigaff in Scotland.

Vonkwapbif Von's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about stars.

2. Do not drink water in mauve rooms.

3. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Radishes are unclean and should not be eaten.